Justice Department Indicts Catholic Church

In Washington, DC today, the Justice Department announced the indictment of the Catholic Church as a result of the alleged pedophilia of a priest in Boston. Attorney General Ashcroft, in announcing the indictment stated, “We brought the indictment as a result of the recent events in Boston as well as the historic pattern of behavior we have observed.” Asked by the press if the recent indictment of Arthur Anderson had played a role in his decision, Ashcroft answered, “There is no connection between the two indictments. The only similarty comes from the fact that in each case we have tarred everyone in the entire organization with the same brush.” “It is necessary, “Ashcroft continued, “ to make every priest in America and all 28,000 Arthur Anderson employees accountable for the activities within their organization.”

Asked if the indictments didn’t evoke the mass hysteria which surrounded the Salem witch trials, Ashcroft stated, “Hysteria in pursuit of moral rectitude is no sin.”

The Catholic Church, responding to the indictment through a spokesman, said, “ We intend to vigorously defend the charges brought against us. We are asking for a speedy trial and a prompt resolution of the case. We have retained attorney Roy Cohn to defend us in this matter. His record of homophobia and close relationships within the Justice Department are a sure ticket to an acquittal on all charges.”

Commentators were mixed in their response to the indictment. An unnamed spokesman for Opus Dei claimed the indictment was driven by a “born again” Protestant cabal whose motive is to buy properties at a discount if the Church is forced into bankruptcy. In an anonymous email Opus Dei said, “This is clearly the work of Falwell, Robertson, Graham and Jerry Springer.” A spokesman for the Reverend Billie Graham said that a shaken Dr. Graham believed the entire matter was the work of Jews, adding, however, that he would welcome any parishioners into his flock. A mummified William F. Buckley could not be reached for comment.

Fearing reprisals, as soon as the indictment was announced, Attorney General Ashcroft joined Vice President Cheney at a secret location.